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Providing quality psychological services to children, adolescents, adults, and seniors.
2110 McFarland Blvd. E., Suite F; Tuscaloosa, Alabama 35404              205-758-7710

 

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Humor

Humor is one of the greatest gifts we have. It can make even the most difficult of situations a little easier to bear. Here are some funny bits we like (and some pretty lame ones, too). We hope they brighten your day.


Jokes

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

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A man walks into a psychologist's office and says, "Doc, I think I'm a pair of curtains." The psychologist responds, "Pull yourself together, man!"

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How can you tell the extroverted Finn? He stares at the other person's shoes.

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18 Things We Can Learn From A Dog

  • two dogs (5605 bytes)Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  • When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
  • Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
  • Take naps and stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp, and play daily.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  • Be loyal.
  • Never pretend to be something that you're not.
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
  • Thrive on attention, and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  • No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

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The Mental Health Hotline

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you are manic, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

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Differences Between TV/Movie Psychologists and Real Psychologists

TV/Movie Psychologists:
Are typically very well dressed and sexually attractive.
Real Psychologists:
Are badly dressed nerds with no taste in clothes, and in any case are too overworked and worn out to be sexy.

TV/Movie Psychologists:
Have amazing breakthroughs with difficult clients after only a few sessions.
Real Psychologists:
Help difficult clients build a pyramid of insight one tiny grain of sand at a time.

TV/Movie Psychologists:
Frequently use hypnosis to attain past life or childhood regression.
Real Psychologists:
Ask their clients what their childhoods were like.

TV/Movie Psychologists:
Often invite clients over for dinner, visit clients at home, and have lunch with them.
Real Psychologists:
Try to get some kind of lunch between appointments and hope to make it home to see their family before bedtime.

TV/Movie Psychologists:
Always know the right thing to say.
Real Psychologists:
Frequently sound awkward and confused.

TV/Movie Psychologists:
Often have sex with their clients, or clients' relatives.
Real Psychologists:
Actually live within the rules and, besides, are too tired to have sex with anyone.

TV/Movie Psychologists:
See clients for years and years and years.
Real Psychologists:
Have to fight with the HMOs to get them to pay for 8 visits.

TV/Movie Psychologists:
Often share details of their lives as a way of getting clients to 'open up'.
Real Psychologists:
Have boring lives that no client would want to hear about.

TV/Movie Psychologists:
Drive elegant, expensive sports cars.
Real Psychologists:
Have student loans and house payments, and only get paid about $10/hour after expenses.

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Hell

(This may be just another "urban myth," but it's funny nonetheless.)

The following is a question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat] or endothermic [absorbs heat]? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese B. during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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Disclaimer:  You know, we see a disclaimer like this in every ad that lawyers put out, and it probably is a good idea for us to use one, too:  "No representation is made that the quality of the psychological services to be performed is greater than the quality of psychological services performed by other psychologists.  The outcome of assessments or psychotherapy, or individual client satisfaction, cannot be guaranteed and is dependent on many factors.  Material on this site regarding symptoms, disorders, and treatment is informational only.  Diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders requires the expertise of a trained professional."

The information on this site regarding psychological disorders and treatment comes from many sources that cannot be credited, simply because they have been integrated over the years into our general knowledge base. However, one important source is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition (1994) published by the American Psychiatric Association.